9:00 p.m. - 2006-11-14
Not a good night
Tonight I cried at school. Can you believe that? I'm such a big baby.
I got my Chem test back. NOT GOOD. I got a 69. Yes, you read that right, a sixtyfuckingnine. In my 34 years on this great earth, I've never gotten a 69. That's a D. What the fuck is a D? So I went to break and called Jax and cried. I'm such a damn baby. You see, I have to get a B in this class to be able to go to nursing school. A freakin B. So far I have a B average. So I figured this 69 but was to majorly fuck with my grade. After doing the math (another thing I detest) I figured that even with this shitty ass test grade I am still maintaining a B average in the class. Given it's a B- and the last point of a B, but it's still a B. And I know that I'll do better on the rest of my tests. How do I know that? Because my ass will start putting forth more effort, that's for sure. I completely glaze over during lecture. He completely lectures over our heads. It's not just me struggling in that class, it's pretty much everybody. Tonight in my journal entry I told him that he did that. Don't get me wrong, it's not entirely his fault I suck at the class. It's more MY fault because I hate it so much, the last thing I want to do is study for hours on end. I guess that has to change now. Dammit! :)
When I get in my whiney baby moods, I start to think about everything. How I should have just stayed doing the job I hated but made decent money doing and be done with it. How I should have just stayed in the rut I was in, unhappy with my life and career choice but at least I wasn't working so hard, being tired 24/7 from working full-time and studying 24/7 to get A's because I expect WAY TOO MUCH from myself. Better yet, I should have just quit working, lived on Welfare and sat on my lazy ass because then I wouldn't have to work to do a damn thing.
But I'm smarter than that obviously. I was smart enough to recognize that I wasn't going anywhere else in that job. The only time I was going to get a raise was when we got a cost of living raise because I had already hit my salary cap. And let me tell you, when your employer is building a 67.33 million dollar 9 floor building, the cost of living raises are few and far between. I was smart enough to figure out that I was extremely unhappy and I needed to make myself happy when it came to my career. I figured out what I wanted to do, what would make me happy and I went for it. Never in my life would I have done that. It took the support of family and friends and Jax to stick her foot up my ass to do it. I never once thought it would be easy. I knew what I was in for. I knew it would be years of sacrifice, lost sleep, less time screwing around and watching TV (although thanks to the invention of the DVR that doesn't happen too much anymore). I knew all of this. I knew there would be days I was so tired I didn't think I could put one foot in front of the other. And I did it anyway. Because I realized that I deserved more out of life. I deserved to be doing a job I loved, making way more money and having a better life for myself and my daughter.
I knew there would be days like these. Although it sucks when it actually happens. I shed my tears and then moved on. I didn't give up hope on myself. I won't. I'll just pick myself up, dust myself off and charge ahead, doing better than I was before.
If you know me, I need to vent and yell or cry a little and then I'm okay. And right now I'm fine. I'm a strong ass woman and I'll get through this, just like I've gotten through everything else. I've come this far, I'm sure as hell not gonna give up. It just sucks is all. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
So now that I've whined and cried, vented on my diary and felt sorry for myself, all I have to say is....
Bring it on bitches.
